God is Good – All the Time

This is a completely true story, much funnier than anything I could make up; and I suggest that if you are a bit sensitive about physical things you might skip this one. But it deserves telling; and you deserve to be warned.

First, the context. Thirty years ago I was found to have had kidney cancer. So I had my left kidney removed and, thankfully, that was curative. I’ve had annual checks on that ever since. About 25 years ago we discovered a stone in my remaining right kidney. Since there’s now only one – and I’m very fond of that kidney! – it was decided that we would just watch that one and wait. And all was fine. Until about 2 years ago when I went through a season of healthcare misadventures that included acute kidney failure. You see, it seems that stone decided, in the midst of a fistful of other maladies to leave that kidney and block off the entire urinary system. But unlike everyone else you know, I had no pain. None. That obstruction caused the kidney to fail, and I felt awful. My urologist was quick to discover the cause – although he kept on asking me, “Where do you hurt??”

The procedure he performed, under anesthesia was to go up through the bladder to the kidney, locate and destroy the stone. Then he left a device in place to make sure the kidney drained properly. My kidney function returned to normal in less than 48 hours. This story is about that device, called a stent. This stent is a rubber tube about the diameter of a piece of spaghetti, about 15 inches long. A short length of a monofilament – think fishing line – is attached to the end of the device that will come out first. Its purpose is to have something to find and hold on to for to pull it out. Sounds reasonable, right? The stent was left in place for 10 days and I returned to the urologist who removed it. Not comfortable, but tolerable.

When I arrived back home after the procedure I was reading my post-op instructions. Imagine my surprise when I read that in a week I was to remove the stent myself! As Debby said, DIY healthcare! There was a short list of suggestions for removing it that I followed closely. It suggested that I take a pain pill before attempting the extraction. Great idea! Second, it advised best to attempt this in the shower since it would be easier to locate the monofilament when one was emptying one’s bladder. In fact, I had seen said monofilament a few times peaking out while so doing, so good idea. Finally, it suggested that once extraction was initiated, pull continually to get it extracted. Right.

So now let me relate to you what did, in fact, happen. I did take a pain medicine and planned to give it about an hour to take effect. But at about 15 minutes I started to feel loopy and could barely focus, so I prayed and headed to the shower. Debby, my loving and caring wife is a retired nurse with years of experience in patient care. However, when I suggested that she might be helpful, she noted – bluntly! – that this wasn’t mentioned in the marriage vows, so, “NO!!! I stationed her outside the bathroom door and got into the shower. Since I was showering I had taken my glasses off. And I was loopy from the pain med. I couldn’t see anything! I searched and searched (I would suggest forgetting that part). Unsuccessful, I got out of the shower and headed for a nap to sleep off the pain pill. A few hours later, I tried again, this time with glasses on in the shower, When I began to empty my bladder I did see the monofilament peak out, but I couldn’t hold it. Again failure. A few hours later, I drank several large glasses of iced tea and went back to the shower. With glasses. And with a tool we use in procedures for grabbing things, a small hemostat. Started to pee. And, voila, I saw the string. Glasses coated with steam and water, I tried to focus and grab it with the hemostat, but missed several times – you really don’t want to think about what might have been grabbed instead! But finally I got it. I pulled and pulled, and it hurt like blazes. Eventually all of it exited. I am left as a shell of a man who has hellish nightmares about this incident that won’t quit! But it’s all over now, no pain and no stone.

So yes, God is good. My advice: avoid any semblance of Do It Yourself healthcare!! And pray!!!!!