The Roll





I’m telling a story to you today that may get me deeper into trouble than most, but it affected me so profoundly that it needs telling.

A little background: My dear, wonderful wife lived in this house alone for over 20 years before we got married. She designed three remodeling projects in those years, all beautifully done. She added garages, a back deck, an elevator (Bless her!!!). But, if you ask her, the most important were her bathroom and her closet. The closet is larger than her bedroom – I’m not kidding! – and women I’ve never met before come to our house to photograph those rooms with 4 walls of shelving, hangers and shoe racks. Both the closet and bathroom have crystal chandeliers for heaven’s sake!

She is also a lady who dearly loves shopping and it’s not just for clothes and shoes. During the pandemic (pre me) she became concerned that there might be a shortage of certain basic and necessary supplies, such as paper products for the bathroom. So she bought essentially a boxcar of toilet tissue. Now there are some creature comforts about which I’m very specific. One of these is multi-layered, ultra-soft, ultra-smooth toilet tissue. What she had stocked up on instead was what the late, great Lewis Grizzard called “government issue tissue.” You can’t use it to clean your eyeglasses either because it scars the lens!

So I was told that I needed to be patient and use this mono-layered excuse for the product until the supply ran out.

Just a couple of days ago I happened to be near to her bathroom when I felt the need to make use of it. What I discovered was that her roll (and all of the rolls in her toilet paper storage device) was a soft, quilted, multi-ply brand! Imagine my surprise. Feeling disrespected, (I doubt I’ll get away with using that word, either) I took one of the rolls for myself.

This morning I finally made it to the end of my current roll. Finally! I pulled the new luxurious roll from the storage and installed it on my holder. And then, I did something I never thought I would ever admit – I lovingly stroked it, actually petted it enjoying the smooth thickness of the soft material.

Isn’t it amazing how little it takes to please us guys?

Now let’s all understand that I wrote this to keep all of you other guys out there who have previously suffered such indignities from having to tell of it.

You’re welcome!

4 Comments on “The Roll”

  1. I spent part of my young years in Arkansas with an outhouse with a Sears catalog along with Monkey Wards and J. C. Penny’s. I can relate.

  2. …and here I thought the story was going to be about which way the roll is to be placed on the roller!!! I’m a Charmin girl from birth and will remain that way (God willing) as long as I live. We did not run out of TP during Covid because I stock up regularly, In fact I see in the new Costco Savings booklet that arrived today in the mail…Charmin is on SALE! Woot! Keep writing my friend. Love your musings.

  3. Holy Toilet Paper, your words are well received, verified and truth. I’ll never wipe again without pulling triple sheets down to soften the scrub!!!!

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